Let’s take a second to unpack this bag of shit, shall we?
Now, why did I respond to this in the first place you might ask? I suppose I was curious as to why this guy would reference the—somewhat outdated— Borat quote that is meant to be a satire on this kind of misogynic attitude. He was just trying to get my attention, and in a moment of weakness and annoyance, he did. I decided to inquire if this fuckhead thought he was being HI-LARIOUS, but his subsequent messages surpassed any kind of real assholery I could have imagined.
The logic here is staggering. It depends on three things:
1) He has a valid point. (NOPE)
2) If we did go out on a, “date” and not just, “skip to the sex” I would expect him to pay for everything. (NOT TRUE)
3) Then the gigantic leap of a notion that when women accept a man’s offer to purchase her something she is inherently entering into some kind of contract wherein her body is now openly available to him because he dished out some cash for her apple martini and appeteaser, and this makes her just like a, “prostitute.” (DEAR LORD!)
Now, I am not placing judgment on sex workers. I respect their choices. I don’t think there is anything morally or ethically wrong with those choices. But I am not a sex worker. I have made that clear to some individuals in a polite and in no uncertain terms through this dating site, without judgment. Really, I mean if that’s what you’re looking for, cool, I’m just not it.
But this uncouth human being is not actually asking me for services as sex worker. He’s using the term, “prostitute” in a negative sense to somehow convince me to have sex with him (for free!) lest be a labeled a whore.
Obviously this dude has MAJOR issues with women and how to treat them (like people, maybe?) but this message did get me thinking about dating, gender roles, and money (what else would I be thinking about?) When I stop to think about it, I have two conclusions:
I like when my date pays for things.
I think it’s nice. They grab your dinner or drinks and or tickets to a show. I always offer to pay, and it is nice to have someone simply just want to take you out and show you a good time. I like the feeling of being treated.
I like paying for things for my date.
Especially when the date is going well. I like when the bill comes and I wave my hand in objection, “I got this.” There’s a pleasure I feel when I can offer something to someone I think is interesting, fun, and attractive.
In neither of these circumstances am I thinking about this as an exchange for sex.
For me, there has never been a time where I’ve thought, “Oh, he paid for the tapas, I’m not that into him, but I’ll throw him a spitty HJ for the monetary trouble he’s gone through.”
Nor am I thinking, “Yeah, boy. You better eat that poutine I’ve purchased for you. You’re gonna have to eat something else* later to pay me back.”
I understand that this there is a social construction that does set up the expectation—in a heterosexual relationship—the man pays to signal that he is interested in his partner, and that, opposed to two friends catching a movie, it’s a way to connotate a romantic interest. It is, in fact, a social construction I participate in all the time. But it doesn’t me a hooker.
It’s about chivalry (not dead, just sick?) like when a man opens a door for me, or let’s me take the only cab on the street at 2 am. This behavior is motivated by the fact that I am a woman, “Ladies first” is the phrase that comes to mind. I am very happy to receive these gestures (even though I’m not a lady).
But personally, I do believe, like paying for stuff, chivalry should not only be exclusive to men. We can all be generous. We can all be polite. No matter what our bits are.
That being said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong if, say, there’s a relationship where there is one partner who pays more than the other. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it being split right down the middle. This is just a personal preference I’m talking about here. But I don’t think there should ever be a underlying power dynamic that the person who accepts free drinks, or gifts, or whatever is somehow expected to return the favour through sex. Or, on the other hand one partner is paying not because they want to, but because they think they HAVE to. That just spells disaster. Case in point: this message I received.
Obviously this doo-doo has lived his life in such a way that he has some to resent the very notion of buying something for a woman. Maybe I’m going too hard on him? Perhaps the pressure of financing every single sexual opportunity has driven him to the point of believing all women who take any kind of gift from him is a sex worker. The societal pressure of being, “the provider” simply because he has a penis may have just pushed him over the edge.
Maybe you might think I was overreacting by telling him off. Maybe, you think I’m just being a silly feminist (ugh) who just can’t face the truth and if I intend on living in the world I should just suck it up. I mean, he does think I’m hawt.
I awt nawt be such a twat about his awffer.
Maybe, as he says, I’m just being “rude”….
…Hmm…. NOPE. Dravid67, I don’t take it back. I refuse.
I don’t want to live in a world where someone thinks they can buy me a G&T and get a full tour of my concavity for the night. Or even worse, turns this logic around on me like it’s fucking MY FAULT he’s using this tactic to sleep with women, disrespecting and resenting them for it, and then telling me I should just forgo the whole thing so I can have the supreme pleasure of a sexual encounter with this:
Why do you bring me these things internet? WHY INTERNET?
I promise next week I’ll write something that isn’t a huge rant against a hideous stranger.