Joss Whedon’s Penis and Other Feminist Musings

Joss Whedon is the creator of Buffy and some show called Firefly which is apparently the best television show in the world and there are some hardcore fans who insist on “bringing it back.” Why do we care about Mr. Whedon?  Apparently he’s now a piece of shit who lied about being a feminist (albeit one who wants to redefine feminism) and only spoke about gender equality in Hollywood to get in a bunch of different women’s pants.

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Whedon has recently split from long time wife Kai Cole and there’s a pretty crazy interwebs shit storm after Cole wrote a very intense essay detailing that her ex is not the feminist you believe him to be due to his extra marital affairs.

Do I believe that Whedon’s cheating on his wife makes him a shitty person, considering  how much he obviously hurt her, and damaged her emotionally? Yes.

Do I ACTUALLY think this fact somehow makes Whedon a “fake feminist”? No.

Whedon’s public persona has been one of the “feminist” often lauded for his creation of strong kick ass characters who escape the myriad of tyrannical tropes that relegate women to one dimensional characters whose only motivations are to serve at the behest of their male counter parts. The word feminism or feminist comes up when describing his work and even describing the man himself. There’s a famous quote when he was asked why he still writes strong female characters, his response was, “Because you’re still asking me that question.”

Whedon’s work specifically, should be re-examined for its issues with women. Of course we should always consider the intersection of race and class when looking at women, and I will say there is something that irks me about the idea a man who “does” a woman well. Whedon’s work and its own complications, lead to conversations about how feminism is branded, articulated, represented, and manipulated should be had.

But I don’t think it matters who Joss Whedon has fucked or fucks currently.

Understandably though, his ex-wife does. You know, considering he was fucking a whole lotta ladies during the course of his marriage and lied to her for YEARS. Girl, that fucking blooooooowwwwsss, I would never wish that on my worst enemy. Especially since you suspected that he was “too close” (your words) to many female friends and he said this was because he was a feminist, like DAT SUX.

BUT, I hate to make this about Cole specifically, but her self-aggrandizing statement that Whedon’s feminism card is revoked because as she states, he “took away my choice” by lying about sleeping with other women does not a non-feminist make.

Consent, violence, cohersion, and abuse MATTER, but that’s not the issue here is it? Is that what we are talking about?

The issue is a moral failing on Whedon’s behalf and it’s his sexual life where again I will point at that AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME there seems to be nothing that seems illegal or non consensual. Since we have not heard from any of these women he cheated with, we do not know if he used his position or power to exploit or coerce.

From twitter to the AV Club, many are taking Whedon’s transgressions a reason to discount his work as the modus operandi of a lying trash bag using feminism for his own sordid agenda. It’s an all-or-nothing attitude that he was either a feminist or he was duping us the whole time, and the fact he likes to fuck other ladies than his wife somehow proves the latter.

I think it’s because we all know THAT GUY. We can fucking relate to the fake ass feminist who whispers sweet nothing Judith Butler quotes into our ears and then turns around and treats our bodies and minds as though we are an extension of his male ego. We know that dude who claims to be “woke” to try to put his P in your V.

We all also know the “good guy” who pretends to be all about your and your agency, but then quickly warps your mind with some cray gas lighting bullshit and you end up apologizing for something he did.

I think the reactions to this revelation are way out of proportion you would think he was a government leader in charge of leading women’s initiatives or on some sort of morality and marriage panel.

I understand that Cole is taking what she see very rightly as a lack of respect for her and her body as a way to unveil some kind of extension to his entire persona, “Now that it is finally public, I want to let women know that he is not who he pretends to be. I want the people who worship him to know he is human, and the organizations giving him awards for his feminist work, to think twice in the future about honoring a man who does not practice what he preaches.”

Did he every preach monogamy? Does feminist include, by definition, the adherence to wedding vows?

I am weary of taking the sexual lives of people to determine their inherent social and political values. It’s a double-edged sword to say that just because a man sleeps with a lot of women outside of marriage that makes him non-feminist. It could cut both ways to somehow suggest that a woman’s sexual promiscuity might betray her feminist values.

Men, and women, both feminists and non-feminists alike (or maybe they just want to be called “humanist” UGH THAT TERM DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT DOES) cheat on their spouses. It’s not nice. However, I think Whedon’s work should be judged on its own merit, not because his ex-wife wants us to know he is bad at monogamy.

Or at the very most, maybe we send his penis to attend a first year Women’s Studies class?

Why Men Won’t Take Hormonal Birth Control. What That Says About The Ladies. What It Says About Us All.

I have to make an admission— sometimes I can just be the worst.

In once such instance I was alerted to the topic of male hormonal birth control trials and a recent study that was ended prematurely because the dudes who participated dropped out due to the side effects of weight gain, acne, and depression.

My first response: CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER.


Once every 26 days or so all those symptoms are just another goddamn Tuesday for me, and these men are totally unwilling to ensure the same symptoms I’ve endured for the past decade or more?

Blinding with self-justified rage, I was transported back to the tumultuous time in my early 20s when I was attempting to find the “right” birth control for me and my doctor was “sure” the Nuva Ring was right for me and a year or so later there are ants on the screen in my vision, just of out no where Dr. Awesome’s like, “LOL oops you’re gonna have a stroke if you don’t stop shoving that plastic circle up your twat.” Then the MD extraordinaire put me on something called the “mini pill.” Despite it diminutive name, this progestin only anti-stroke out pill had a very large effect on my body. I gained 20 pounds. Aunt Flo didn’t just come to politely visit, but was seemingly trying to move in. My vagina became the Ol’Faithful of menstrual blood— a steady stream of red tide ripping through the sturdiest of tampons and testing the absorbency of the largest, most diaper like maxi-winged pad I could find.

Oh yeah, and this constant barrage of monthly curse liquid would last for NINE FUCKING DAYS.

tumblr_mstnx98gcd1qecdw4o1_1280Also, I went insane.

I recall laying in bed, my tender breasts throbbing, watching and episode of the then, very hip Glee. I don’t remember exactly why this set me off, but there’s an episode where a deaf school comes to visit the singing kids and they do a silent choir in sign language or something? A moving scene for sure, but I began to weep. Violently, intensely, and intermittently for 72 hours. I was in grad school at the time and decided I was too stupid and I would drop out (ultimately didn’t thank goodness), I rode the subway crying, I went to the grocery store crying. I wasn’t sad about anything specific, although there were stresses in my life at the time, but making the connection in hindsight it was obvious my hormonal imbalance was giving me a one-way ticket to being known as the deranged lady eating a sundae at the corner of Dufferin and Bloor while large hot tears streamed down her face. A homeless man asked me what was wrong. 


I just cried more.

After THAT, I was referred to a gynaecologist who looked and sounded like the Dyson Ball Vacuum guy, who recommended I get a Mirena IUD. I waited six weeks for the appointment where it was inserted. The cramps were so bad I threw up the muscle relaxant they had given me and stayed in bed for three days. After that, my boyfriend at the time refused to have sex with me until I got the strings shortened because he could, quote, “feel them.”

Another six weeks for that appointment. (But I’m in Canada, so it was FREE. Although the IUD was not)

This was the same ex-BF who would not, under any circumstances, have sex with me while my crimson curse was punishing me for my inherent wickedness (9 days out of the month!). So there I was, 24 years old, in pain, feeling bloated, desperate, and unfuckable.

BUT I DIDN’T HAVE A BABY! Or an abortion. It was all  in MY control. That was pretty dope. (Not that there’s anything wrong with people who decide on those things.)

Fast forward to present day, when my IUD is working great (on my second: no crazies, no weight gain, no Niagara Fall level menses)   and I am examining with a critical eye the idea that men— who have not historically had to bear the burden of pregnancy and child care the way that women have—are presented with undergoing the same medieval torture I went through and to a certain, albeit less intense, level with my more natural hormonal rhythms. Like, IT’S YOUR TURN FUCKERS.


Actual photo of me angry.


Do I want to have a world where men and women, when deciding to have intercourse with one another, are able to have a reasoned and civil dialogue wherein they can decide what the best method of birth control is for both of them?* Yes. Do I want there to be the same number of options for men as there are for women? Absolutely. Do I want the decision to be, okay so one of us has to suffer physically and mentally? Fucking… No.

I’m not a doctor, but I have seen all of House and most of Grey’s Anatomy,  AND I have access to the internet, so I’ve basically deduced three major conclusion based on super scientific facts.*

1) You’re Fucking Welcome Dudes

The birth control pill was seen as part of the sexual revolution and empowerment of women, which is most certainly was and continues to be. However, like most revolutions, there were some causalities, and there still issues to be hammered out.

The creation of the female birth control has a very fraught, radicalized, and unethical history. Like the men in this recent study, the women who first tried the initial iterations of hormonal birth control complained of the same side effects and dropped out, the creators were like, yeah okay, so let’s go down to Puerto Rico where the eugenics movement is just a-okay and experiment on those chicks. When they faced those silly ladies who didn’t know what was good for them complaining about pains and what-not (often taking medication that has TEN TIMES the amount of hormones in the pills of today) so they decide to FORCE women to take the pill,

Women locked up at a Massachusetts mental asylum were signed up. Women enrolled in medical school in San Juan were told they had to take part in the medical test or face expulsion.” Again, these women weren’t told what the pill was for; instead, they were supposed to shut up, take their medicine, and submit to frequent, invasive medical exams.” (

After this fuckery, the whole “People kinda need to know what doctors are putting in their bodies” thing became a law. Perhaps we wouldn’t have had the birth control pill as early as we do now, but we certainly wouldn’t have a system where the experimentation on men has allowed for informed consent.

I’ll concede at the time in history before there was hormonal birth control for women it was practically barbaric. Botched abortions whole hysterectomies, poor women forced to have litters of children they couldn’t possibly adequately care for. I feel that the social and medical focus on first figuring out how to give women the tools to have autonomy and control over their own bodies and destinies was not misguided, but the practices and “necessary evils” enacted to get there are pretty gruesome (in one instance, three women died in one study and their bodies NEVER autopsied for the reasons why).

In terms of human rights and scientific study — it’s pretty fucking rad these men were able to say the side effects were just too much and have the medical community be like, “Okay bro, no prob.” 

2) The Side Effects for Men are Experienced Very Differently

A trial for male hormonal birth control (given as shots) consisted of an injection every eights weeks of a synthetic form of testosterone and norethisterone enanthate. Which is a lot like  the female hormones progesterone and estrogen referred to as “progestin” in the synthetic form,

According to Dr. Seth Cohen, a urologist at NYU Langone Medical Center, when a man is given a shot of testosterone, “basically, the brain assumes the body is getting enough,” so the body shuts down its own production of testosterone — specifically “the testicle’s production of testosterone as well as the testicle’s production of sperm.” ( 

The basic principles of the birth control methods are the same— it’s all about tricking the body. So it makes perfect sense the side effects would be similar.

I have a dear friend in her 60s who talked with me about post-menopausal life. She talked about how the subsiding of hormonal influxes (after all the bad stuff) lead her to a clearer, more balanced state. “Is this how men feel all the time?” she quipped.

Statically speaking men don’t experience the same ebbs and flows of hormones that women do. So asking men to take a medication that alters their state so wholly and unrecognizable is, for the lack of a better term, probably a mind fuck.

Like, you don’t have weird food cravings and intermittently bloated and/or like 10 pounds heavier? You don’t get the sads or sleepies for no reason? Guess it would be super sucky to get them for the first time in your life.

Additionally, depression (one of the side effects)  in men is a wholly different,  if not medical issue, certainly a societal one. In Canada, men are three times more likely to commit suicide compared to women . Perhaps its because men aren’t given the social space to talk about their feelings? Maybe there is a conflict between the notion of masculinity and “strength”? Could be just the ubiquitous social stigma surrounding mental health? It’s possible there are multitude factors at play.

However, one this is certain is that depression seems to have far more deadlier consequences for men.

3) Hormonal Birth Control Is Just Not Good Enough – But Working Together Maybe It Can Be

There was a recent study that correlated depression and the use of the pill in women.


All the anecdotal evidence that has been littered throughout my life, the very fact that many of my female friends do not take the pill for its fuckery, and my own personal experience had me reacting to these “findings” with no surprise whatsoever. That’s some 60 years after the pill has been in the market. It’s at the same time substantial findings about male hormonal birth control are being published.

So if women feel the same and men feel the same, maybe this might be something to like, investigate? ‘Cause we should all be mentally and physically healthy?

I see the men dropping out of a study where they have adverse side effects as a gift, not a testament any kind of weakness on behalf of the participants. What it suggests to me is that it is time to take a good hard look on what science is doing to actively improve what we can do to get busy without making people.

The knee-jerk reaction to say, “BUT IT’S YOUR TURN TO SUFFER PENIS HAVER” is temptingly cathartic, but instead a more useful tactic for my time and energy is to work with the information from both sides to create a better world for everyone.

*There are, of course, other methods of birth control like condoms, barriers, rythym, outercourse, and a new and promising “gel” inserted into the scrotum that’s no there yet but in the works
**All views represented in this blog are the sole opinion of the author and should not be interpreted as medical advice. Please, please don’t sue me.

The Hardest Part About Being A Woman

I generally don’t give a shit about Glamour Magazine.

Not that I’m necessarily saying anything negative about the publication itself. It’s more a general apathy I have towards the glossy pages featuring the latest trends, outfits, hair, makeup, and celebrity news.

I’m sure that if I cared more about Lauren Conrad’s “Go-To” Thanksgiving dress, The 6 Reasons Why David Beckham is “Most Certainly” the Sexiest Man Alive, or 14 Times Ariana Grande Did NOT Wear A Ponytail, I would be more of an avid reader. But it’s just not for me.

However, Glamour did get my attention lately with the controversy surrounding the Glamour Women of the Year 2015″. Among the 25 honourees this year, including Reese Witherspoon, Victoria Beckham (they love their Beckhams!), and ballerina Misty Copeland, Caitlyn Jenner was one of the recipients.

In a Buzzfeed interview following her award Caitlyn was asked the question, “What’s the hardest thing about being a woman?” and this was her answer:

thehardestCue the shit storm.

From people saying that she doesn’t deserve the award because she’s only been a woman for “less than a year”, general transphobic outrage, to the husband of a previous recipient giving back the award given to his deceased wife because,

As a New York City police officer, “my precinct covered a shelter for transgendered [sic] youth…On several occasions I responded there to take reports or give aid to suicidal youths. I listened to their stories of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Young people thrown out of their homes or fleeing from unlivable conditions.

They didn’t have the luxury of being part of the Kardashian circus…They weren’t living in a Malibu Barbie beach house surrounded by what passes for family in Hollywood. They were truly brave people fighting hourly for existence.

When Mr. Jenner said the hardest part about being a woman was figuring out what to wear he proved to me that he is not truly a woman. I believe this comment and others he has made trivializes the transgender experience as I have witnessed it.”

Whatever you want to say about Caitlyn Jenner, whether you think her a Republican homophobic uber rich elite asshole, or that she’s a hero blazing the trail for trans people across the globe, it is my personal opinion that if Glamour wants to name her one of the many “Women of the Year” they should do so.

She’s a woman. She might come by identifying as a woman in a different way than some of us, but a woman plain and simple. She’s a celebrity. A pretty big one. These seem to be the two pieces of criteria that she shares will many of the past “Women of the Year” recipients.

And like many other women, Caitlyn has and will continue to experience an unrelenting policing and disproportionate dissection of the ways in which she should dress, speak, look, and behave. This was aptly pointed out by Jon Stewart when she first came out:

This brings me to Rose McGowan. Charmed star and outspoken feminist, she and Jenner were pitted against one another in the media after McGowan wrote a pretty scathing critique of Jenner’s response to the question,

“Caitlyn Jenner you do not understand what being a woman is about at all. You want to be a woman and stand with us — well learn us,” McGowan wrote on Nov. 16.

“We are more than deciding what to wear. We are more than the stereotypes foisted upon us by people like you. You’re a woman now? Well f–king learn that we have had a VERY different experience than your life of male privilege.”

 She continued, “Woman of the year? No, not until you wake up and join the fight. Being a woman comes with a lot of baggage. The weight of unequal history. You’d do well to learn it. You’d do well to wake up. Woman of the year? Not by a long f–king shot.”

McGowan also posted several graphic memes that featured Jenner’s quote. Including photos of a woman getting raped, being followed home late at night, and a woman in the hospital after giving birth, and even O.J. Simpson’s late wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, covered in bruises.

Holy shit.

What is the hardest thing about being a woman?

There’s a multitude of ways to deconstruct and discuss Jenner’s response to this question. For me, what I find interesting is the question itself. What are the expectations for someone like Jenner, who recently transitioned into being a woman? Is there an answer she could possibly provide that would satisfy all?

Is there an answer that collectively, all women, trans or not, would nod their head in agreement with, pausing for a moment before saying, “Yes, yes. THAT is the hardest thing about being a woman. Well said Caitlyn.” Does such an answer exist?

No. It doesn’t. Because there is no one answer.

What it means to be a woman is markedly different for say, a wealthy white queer single twenty-year-old living in Manhattan, and a middle aged heterosexual widowed mother of three in Syria. The multitude of lived experiences, the intersection of race, economic status, gender, sexuality, and even geography all inform our personal experience of how we interact with the world.

As for Jenner’s response, “…what to wear…” I am of two minds. First mind says, this is an answer given after receiving an award from publication that focuses on fashion trends and beauty. She’s answering it in the context of who’s asking and the pulled quote of a simple, “…figuring out what to wear…” can seem frivolous. Yes, compared to the varied experiences of many trans people, Caitlyn Jenner is in a position where she is less likely to experience the violence, poverty, emotional and mental trauma, and discrimination many others face. She was able to afford the costly elements of making her transition, and was allotted a particular visibility because of her fame.

Second mind says, I can’t imagine what it’s like for someone who lived for sixty-six years feeling like the representation of her gender was never fully expressed. Having hide something very important about herself to the world—wouldn’t the freedom to dress as she pleases be a huge part of her daily life?

A very privileged life, I’ll admit.

As a cisgender woman myself, the choice of how to perform my gender was and continues to be lengthy and fraught process.

From being a teenager and experimenting with makeup. How much is too much?


To reconciling my mixed feelings about the ways in which the Western standard of beauty is dictated to me, and then turning around and shaving 90% of my body hair.


All of these decisions to present myself to world have been made through years of trial and error. I actually couldn’t imagine having to cram it all into a short period of time. There’s a dizzying array of options that have just recently opened up for Jenner, and on a very basic level, it’s an anxiety I can identify with.

The fact that she was attacked so harshly by McGowan detracts from the issues at large. Of which there are many, and I can only fit so much into this one blog post (thank you if you are still reading).

McGowan’s tactics of talking about “joining the fight” is less like an olive branch and more like a grenade. It’s okay to be angry. Anger is a tool. Anger can be powerful, but in this situation, I’m just disappointed that instead of frank discussion and dialogue about how gender and sexuality are experienced and expressed, or the ways we talk about trans woman in the larger context of “womanhood” we ended up with this fuckery where—yet again—two women are pitted against one another in a sensational media shit storm.

Anyway, if you’re looking for something a little bit lighter to read here’s a bunch of photos of Blake Lively’s hair.